Bachelor recap #2

It's that time again! Week two recap of the Bachelor with my fave ever, Benny Ben Ben. (If you missed my first recap, you can read it here.)



Looking horrible handsome as always.

So we start the episode off with the hookers girls going to Ben's hometown of Sonoma, CA. We see him walking his dog.  Why does he look so awkward walking the dog? A prop maybe? The sluts girls cheers with their wine in the car on the way to meet Ben. Wait, you can drink and ride in Sonoma? Sign me up!

Kasey B. gets the very first one-on-one date. The other girls look at her with daggers in their eyes. Kasey declares "I'm the luckiest girl alive right now." Say what? No bitch, I am. I'm sittin' in my cozy bed blogging about your shit while drinking a glass of wine. And I don't have to share my man with 17 other whores girls. You may want to reevaluate what "lucky" means to you.

Oh sad. Courtney the MODEL is bummed that Kasey B. got the first date. Calls her "annoying." Um...I'm pretty sure that your jank upper lip is the definition of annoying. Skank.

Kasey B. and Ben are walking down the streets of Sonoma. Kasey decides it would be a major sex appeal move to bust out her baton moves. I think the only reason it worked is because Ben starts thinking naughty thoughts about said baton.

Moving on.

Why can't I get over the fact that Ben SUCKS? No charm, no wit, no personality, SO NOT INTERESTING. A dud! Why the hell did ABC pick him again to be the bachelor?!

Anyway. First date went well. They both got to see their dads on film, Ben cried, awkward silence. After the date, Kasey is quoted on camera as saying "I think I have found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben." Yeah, after he makes out and kisses and strips naked with 17 other girls.

Then it's the group date. Oh no, the redhead is wearing a red shirt. Does she not KNOW the rules of being a ginger? And is Blakely wearing a denim onsie? (If so, anyone know where I can get it?)



Out come the playrights. Little kids. They start demanding that the tramps bachelorettes act out certain things. Act like a weasel? Oh shit, she actually did it! Snort like a pig? Do the robot? Be a hippie? A gingerbread man?? How the hell do you be a gingerbread man?

The little kids are staring at Blakely like, is she really wearing a onsie?

God I can't stand Ben. Why am I still watching this? TLC's Extreme Cheapskates is on right now. Maybe I should switch over. But then, Ben and all the hussies girls dress up in crazy animal costumes.



I honestly think that Ben has a secret fetish of doing the deed with others dressed as animals. What are they called again, furries? Yeah, Ben is totally a furry fan.

Then it's time for all these crazies to act on stage in front of Ben friends and family. Umm, Ben's acting?



Well gee, if I wasn't turned off before...

What the hell happened to crazy jenna? All of a sudden, Blakely is turning into the psycho one. Someone calls her a cougar, HA! Wait, she's only 3 years older then me. Bitch!

And what's with these streetwalkers bachelorettes? They all have uber flat hair. Has no one ever been introduced to the poof? They need to hand out free bump-its to these chicks.

Uh oh, Samantha is hiding in the bathroom.

My favorite part is when the girls claim they "hate the drama." HA!  Yeah, and that is exactly why you signed up for the Bachelor.

Whoa. Bikini time on the group date. Holy boobs.

Egads! The redhead is making out with Ben?! Didn't see that one coming.

And seriously, Blakely looks like she could be Bens mom.

Group date ends horrible well with all the girls having a peaceful slumber party and singing kumbaya in unison. Yeah, and then I gave up drinking red wine. Likely story.

Second one-on-one date. Courtney THE MODEL gets picked.

Side note: Courtney THE MODEL walks weird. I don't like it.

Ben brings his dog along on this date. And now the dog and Ben are conversing.  And then Ben says that his dog has taught him that he does want children someday. Do you think Ben knows that children are like, a whole different story than dogs?

Courtney THE MODEL is getting her daggers in. Must be because she is A MODEL. She doesn't fool me though, SHE IS TOTALLY ACTING. But of course he gives her the rose. He wants to bed her. And she's A MODEL.

Side note: kissing noises make me want to gag.

The cocktail party. Thank God, this means we are getting closer to the end of this crapshow.

Damn, horseback girl has a slammin' body.

Ha! Jenna the blogger drops the blanket on the candle, and then she tells Ben, "I feel like I'm a guy." And then continues to ramble on and on and make NO sense at all. And then cue the cards, crazy Jenna is back, crying in the corner.

Hahaha! Ben has to go rescue crying Blakely in the corner of the luggage room, and then he goes to get Jenna in the bed, hiding under the covers. He got some winners this season, that's for sure.

And finally, the rose ceremony. Where all the broads girls stand in a huddle and stare at Ben with gleaming eyes begging him to "pick me! pick me!" OH! And look! There's even a smoke machine blowing in the background! Ambience!

Poor Jenna the crazy blogger and Shawn the single mom don't receive a rose.

Boo hoo.

And then all the producers scramble to hide any sharp objects because we definitely don't want a suicide attempt from the rejected.

And that concludes my recap on episode two of the The Loser Bachelor.

See you next Tuesday for more of this fun.

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