If I were President

(I added a mustache because let's be honest -- a woman won't get elected anytime soon. 
At least as long as I'm alive. Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game.)


Let's get started.

If I were President...

* Michael Moore would be banished to Croatia. (Apologies to any of my croatian readers. Nothing against you personally, I would just want him to get as far the hell out of here as possible. Don't know who he is? See here.)

* There would be a flat tax. Period. No ifs, ands or liberals butts about it.

* Bike riders in spandex would only be allowed to ride on designated biking lanes. No more of this sharing the road with actual cars with motors in turn forcing me to slam on my breaks/slow down to 30 under the speed limit/swerve so I don't hit you nonsense. (This also goes for non-spandex bike riders.)

* You abuse a child ONCE, that's it. That child will then be placed with a loving, caring, nurturing couple who have been desperately wanting a child of their own to love. Kids are defenseless and never, ever deserve to be abused in any way. One strike, you're out. President Smith don't mess around.

* On that same note, if you abuse a child in the worst way possible (we all know what I am talking about) you go to prison for life. Hopefully get the death penalty, but life in prison, nonetheless. None of this "out in five years for good behavior" bullshit. How hard is it to be on your best behavior in prison anyway? It's not like they offer up helpless defenseless kids to these bastards.

* Spongebob Squarepants would be banned from television. I swear that's the reason so many kids grow up and commit murder. (I kid people, I kid. Kind of...)

* On that same note, if you murder an innocent person, you go to prison for life. Hopefully get the death penalty, but life in prison, nonetheless. None of this "out in five years for good behavior bullshit. How hard is it to be on your best behavior in prison anyway? It's not like they hand out glock 22's to these mongrels.

* The states would use more of their tax money to build bigger prisons to hold these people, instead of using it for a new Starbucks half a block down from that other Starbucks.

* If you decide to stay at home and raise your child, you get an actual salary from the state. W2 forms and all.

* Hollywood people would not be allowed to give their political opinions.

* Organic, healthy food would cost much less than say, McDonalds. I wouldn't outlaw fast food (this is a free country, people get to make choices) but it would definitely not be the cheapest option.

* If I were the President, in this state of our economy, my "wife" would not be allowed to go on luxurious leisure vacations to Spain, spending hundreds of thousands (millions) of tax-payers dollars just to "sight-see" and have her 5 bodyguards in tow. In fact, I would put her ass to work and make her earn that vacation.

* And finally, everyone would be forced to memorize the words to Britney Spears' "Oops I did it again" and the whole United States of America would bust out in a flash mob and sing it loud and proud.

And that is what I would do if I were President.

What would you do if YOU were President? Go link up with the awesome Erin at Living in Yellow!

ps. I know some of these were serious and some silly, but I truly believe in everything I said. For your most pleasurable experience here, feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.
pps. and please, no "well thank GOD you aren't our President" comments. Try to be a little more original than that, k? Thanks anon peeps.